The Morning After?

   

    Well by now you may wonder who this guy is. Who was the guy trapped in the heels, and the bound by a false identity. This guy was me. I was the one that strived for attention and had no sense of identity. For me false lashes, rougé and and contour could never hide the blemishes of my identity. But now everything had changed. I had changed. He changed me. But what now. It was the morning after and I wasn't sure what was next.
      That next week came and I began this journey of learning to be a Man, but not just a man, a Man of God. What the world has taught Men should be is not what God called us to be. Being a man can't be taught in a short school session or on the playground. Yet I didn't even know what being a man looked like so I wasn't sure how long it took. I started to consider what my life looked like from here and I drew a blank. I honestly couldn't ever picture being a man. It was almost foreign to me, But at this point I knew that whatever I felt in that service was so tangible and deep, I couldn't live without it. As a few months went on I began starting having a consecutive prayer life. Everyday for at least 30 minutes I was praying. Sometimes I didn't know what for and most of the time it was just me asking questions to God and waiting for answers. The God I had experienced was actually real. He speaks with me and listens to me and helps me consistently. I was so amazed that I had stumbled on a real God, or he found me rather. I had never experienced anything like this before. But this is where I began falling short.
     As I mentioned to you in the previous anecdote I struggled with same sex attraction and the mindset of a female. Now before, I never considered this a "struggle" because it was my life. But now that I was serving God, it got in the way of everything I was supposed to believe. I couldn't go into a room without checking out the guys and deciding in my head who were the best looking ones. I felt confused and scared because I had found a life worth pursuing yet I wasn't doing it right. I had moved to school in Alabama, but the big kicker was I lived with guys. I lived with 5 other guys actually and it stressed me out. I never wanted to be home and I purposefully caused friction to created a barrier. For the first time I was scared of being attracted to these guys and I didn't know what else to do but hate them. I had never been in this position before and I didn't feel comfortable even at my house. My mind and my heart were swirling and I felt like it was a battle. Then one day I came across this....

Pslam 24:3-5
"Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord, and who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully. He will receive blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation."

    I had been pursuing God without checking my mind and my heart. I didn't know what to do next..... I was lost..... if I was truly supposed to be gay then how was I supposed to pursue God with all my heart if  I was still pursuing men. But if I wasn't meant to be gay how was I supposed to just "stop liking guys" all together. I was at a loss. I had really just decided to manage both, be a Gay Liberal Christian and find people that accepted me that way. That December I went to a conference in Tennessee to serve the ministry I was going to school at. About the second night the head pastor of the church preached. His message was incredible but something about it gripped me and I broke. Something that man said gripped me so deep I turned to God and I said, "I live for you and I refuse to be gay any more!" Easier said then done, But that was the twist. I DIDN'T want that life anymore and so it became something that actually sounded doable. The next few months I prayed and I had quiet time with God and I tried to focus on other things but I still dealt with same sex attraction. I was upset. Then as time led to the summer and the end of my first year in ministry school I decided I needed to have Men of God in my life to show me what do to and help me out of where I was. I actually started connecting with some of the guys in my house and then became brothers with one particularly. We ended up living together for school again and I learned so much. I learned about being a guy and we pushed and helped prune each other in a sense so our qualities and gifts God had given us would be pulled out and shined. I connected with a couple of leaders who stepped in and became a brother and Father figure to me. They helped me and walked with me to continue to run after God the way a man should. I filtered what I watched and listen to and I began seeing my issues and my struggles pass. For example, I stopped watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette. I stopped watching things that included sexual connotation to men. Anything that promoted  men sexually I stayed away from. I stopped listening to things that promoted sex and lust. After a few months of that I stopped dealing with same sex attractions. I found myself daydreaming of marriage and kids but all my day dreams included a wife. I started thinking about my ministry and how God was bless us in that as a couple. It began a whole new concept of Happily Ever After. 

        But wait. What about everything I dealt with? How was I to find a wife who would be content and accept that I had dated and been with guys??