A Brother To Hold My Hand

       

 Proverbs 17:17  "A friend is always loyal, but a brother is born to help in time of need."

     At this point I was everywhere. After realizing that I had to cut out shows and songs, I wondered what else I would have to cut out. I had never been actually friends with any guys and I felt that honestly, that was for the best. I was cutting out things that promoted men so why should I connect with men, if that was my issue. When I first began this journey, after allowing Jesus to change me, I was against being around guys. I lived in a house with 5 other guys my first year of schooling and I was always afraid if I took the time to get to know them, I'd be attracted to them. I'd spent 24/7 with my cousin, avoiding male contact, so bonding with guys just wasn't on my todo list. 

     This was a lie from the enemy though. God created us as relational creatures in order for us to help each other and commune with one another. Going to ministry school I had multiple leaders want to pour into me, but because they were men, I was scared to open up. I had plenty of opportunity to connect and make friends with the guys in my class but I stayed so closed. I was convinced that the minuet I opened up, they would judge me or look at me differently or even be afraid of me being attracted to them. As Proverbs says, "A brother is born to help in time of need"and until that point, it never occurred to me  that I could have brothers in the guys around me. I see this piece of truth in two ways. I have found that not only do you need brothers to run beside you, but as well as brothers that will grab your hand and lead you through the wilderness. As summer hit and I was transitioning to my second year of schooling, I felt that I was supposed to connect with a specific leader at my school. I had met with him a couple of times and on one occasion he directly asked me if I had struggled with same sex-attraction, and I lied straight to his face and said no. He always kept interest in me, even though I pushed him away and I finally realized he really just wanted to help me. I remember the first time I sat in his office and all I could do was spill my guts to him. I told him I struggled for so long with same sex-attraction and I was at a point where I just needed a male leader in my life and I felt like God had told me to goto him. From there on I began serving him and his family in every way I could and I continued to progress. It finally occurred to me that after everything I had done and the things I had told him, he stilled loved me. He pushed through my muddy and dirty spots in my life to see me free at the end. As I began meeting with him on a regular basis it became easier for me to get out of the things I out on my self. He was alway there to encourage me and pick me up when I was down just to direct me back to the one that changed me in the first place. Jesus. I really saw that he not only lived a life in order to help others but he lived a life that could be followed. Something he said to me recently changed my view on ministry, tore down walls and even changed how I will look at my own flock someday... he said, "Blake, it doesn't even matter what happened in the past. I want you to know that I will always love you and will be here no matter what. There's nothing you could tell me or say to me that would change my view of you or who you are to me." This right here broke a lot of lies I had believed for so long. When seeking freedom from homosexuality, drugs/alcohol, transsexuality, or really anything, its always important to find a leader that has the heart of Jesus. This is important because there are so many leaders out the that would take advantage of the situation or condemn you for having simple day to day issues, and when you have a leader that carries the heart of Jesus you are able to move out of the past and be "Ekballoed" or "forcefully sent" into your future.

     Another important part to that scripture, as I mentioned earlier, is to have those brothers who run beside you. After spending the summer connecting to my mentor, I began running with two guys that will eventually be in my wedding. They had such a deep impact on me in this transitioning season, that I will probably run with them for the rest of my life. I had one best friend who had also struggled with same sex-attraction and we had bonded together to run this race and finish with flying colors. We were almost the same person so we got along for the most part, and we found that our love for the outdoors would take us to some of the most incredible places in Hamilton, AL. We would have deep talks about where we were spiritually and prayer sessions that lead us to heavenly places. I STRONGLY encourage surrounding yourself with a couple of people to be a part of what I call, "The Inner Circle". These people are those who are strong and grounded in the word as well as relate to where your at spiritually. This way you can have accountability and complete trust in someone in order to make the journey a lot less lonely. My other main partner in crime was my roommate. After living with him for a year in the house and then needing a roommate my second year, I felt like God had planned for us to live together again. We had gotten closer towards the end of my first year aside from all of our past beef and it was like a long lasting connection was being formed without us even knowing it. That summer I began praying for him and for the finances to be given in order for him to actually come back for a second year of schooling. That bond got stronger after hours of prayer and then come that August it was like we were brothers separated at birth. Him coming back that next year gave me assurance that God had bonded us for something greater. Throughout the year we would keep each other in check and held one another accountable. I taught him a thing or two about the world of Disney, theatre and he taught me of this foreign land they called sports. This particular relationship helped me not only learn I could have brothers, but I could be a brother. After so much time believing the twisted lies the enemy placed in my head it was incredible to think I could be a brother.

   
        None of the guys that helped me through this ever cared about my screw ups or my down falls. They helped me back on my feet and said, "Lets keep going". This real brotherhood began making sense to me and with that I wouldn't be where I am today without the brotherhood God blessed me with. Even now I continue to meet with my mentor as I move through this journey to get advice or his thoughts about a situation. I get his help when I'm standing in left field and he is always there. My two best friends will always be there as will I for them and no matter what we carry a life long bond that God has simply blessed us with. These three men not only taught me about brotherhood, but taught me how to be a man. Different elements of Manhood were being revealed to me through these three guys and I can never thank them enough for being who they are. After believing for so long I was destined to be a woman it was incredible to me that God could change the outcome and reset the picture. I was growing into a man, into manhood and overtime I would get discouraged or feel out of place I would remember something I heard a wise minister once say, "to be a Man you don't have to like big trucks, or go fishing, or love hunting, you just have to be like the man who carries the real meaning of Manhood, Jesus."