Letting "Her" Go.

Ephesians 1:5 (ESV)  " He predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will"     
   As the tittle the suggests, this is a true story of a transition and as the scriptures suggests, its about identity. A transition that happened in a guys life about two years ago and the identity that was wiped away and made new. This guy met someone who absolutely changed his life, and when he met that someone he decided to change his life and let go of who he thought he was and grab hold of who he was to become. Now this is not some lousy, cheesy relationship story about someone who, in order to win the love of the other, changed who they were completely, but it is a story about a change. This is the story of a guy who was caught up in a LGBT world that never really belonged there. But before we go too far, lets back up a little.

   This guy was gay, closeted, but gay. He never had much of a male figure to follow and was molested by a guy at a young age. He had never learned "How to Be a Guy" and had always hung with his "besties for the rests" girl friends. There wasn't on instruction guide on "Being a Guy" so he was at a loss. He also had never had a boy friend but had tried to date girls. His parents were well known in the community and he didn't want to ruin their reputation or the family name they had built for them selves. They attended a mega church, were christian and he wanted to live up to their standards. He wanted to show them that he could out grow his older sibling's shadow. He felt at times it was used as a measuring stick and he wasn't ever going to measure up. Although his mother and father both supported him in everything he did, he always felt he had to win the affection and approval of his father. He had compared himself to his brother for so long he thought his parents wanted him to be just as perfect he thought his sibling was. His mother worked hard to love and support him at home while his father worked harder earning a living for them to live a great life. As time past he graduated high school, and still under the radar, he had been able to stay in the closet. Except for the bulling and rumors people told, he had his friends convinced he was straight. But as most stories have a plot twist, the first one in this story hit hard. This guy fell in love. He fell in love with a guy that he wished and hoped would one day be his Prince Charming. He fell in love with the idea of love and let it carry him on a journey that felt endless. After 7 to 9 months of on and off commitment, and a false conception of "bliss" with his boyfriend, he fell out of love. The two guys broke up and never dated again. Heart broken and depressed, our leading man went rouge. He began hooking up with people right and left and felt his life spinning out of control. Then he met "Her". This dark and mysterious façade that he never knew was there. He had always been fascinated with women and the power he saw they had, and deep inside, he wanted to be one. In theatre he had learned the ropes of drag, how to properly wear heels and highlighter, and they ways of the trade. That night "she" was born. The guy went to the nearest make up counter and dropped $180 on the basics needed to produce the women he named "Velma". She was his darker side and was what he thought he had wanted all his life. On the side of the hook ups and false lashes he was also a weed dealer and had plenty of money to spend on the things "Velma" required.

   Our guy hid her from just about everyone and only a few people knew about her. "Velma" appeared at a couple of Gay clubs and once at a normal bar just for a couple of drinks. Although only 19, when "Velma" appeared no one cared about the birthday on her real ID. After a few appearances "Velma's" career became short lived. Her eyelashes, contour and rougé didn't seem to fill the void that this Guy still had. He love the attention but hated "Velma" got it instead of him. So then, he put her away. He locked her in the dungeon of his heart and kept her in there. But, she still had control of his mind set. Now what? Who or what was he? All he wanted was to marry a nice guy have two kids and live happily ever after. But was that really what he wanted? He decided that he was going to fulfill the female role he thought he wanted and was going to raise kids. He had helped so much with his older brother's kids that knew the challenges and he thought it would be easy. He felt that he was SUPPOSED to fill this void with his female desires and really considered adopting at 19.  That plan really wasn't realistic and so the idea died quickly. He was done searching. He had some close friends who he smoked weed with that had talked him into trying cocaine and so he did. Almost every night they would snort up 2-4 lines each of intoxicating coke and went to see what the night brought them. After two months he began tiptoeing the line of overdosing on cocaine and then vowed he would never snort another line.  Still he played this women like façade everywhere he went even though "Velma" was out of the picture. Even in progressing relationships with girls, he still wanted to play the leading female in the scene.

   At this point you may be wondering "Does this story even have a happy ending?". Well it does, for the guy..... "Velma" and her controlling mind games... Not so much. This guy decided that "if everything that world has to offer brings me never ending emptiness then why continue to pursue it?". He had heard about these christian colleges and honestly though it was a joke, but at this point was willing to try anything. Maybe he could find a nice christian school where he could get a college education and fly under the radar again. He had considered himself a "Liberal Christian" and thought that maybe this was a good option to stay away from drugs, alcohol and "Velma". But there was another school his mother had suggested. It was a school where his cousin attended and he knew they wouldn't approve of him. He was nervous about it considering he was still gay and he knew if ANYONE found out, he'd be back in small world Georgia. He applied not thinking he would get in, but a day later he was accepted. He told his mom he'd try it knowing it would be hell. He decided to give up dreams of being a performer and move to Alabama where he attended his first casual church service. It had been a year or two since he'd actually cared about keeping up with church and so it was a bit awkward. It was the day before orientation and he was still hesitant. But he was there and he decided that if God was all he was cracked up to be, he would at least try. He instantly felt a real presence in the room and got lost in worship. Song after song he gave it his all dancing and singing like everyone around him. Then he met that someone. That Someone that caused his life to change forever. It was the REAL Jesus. He had never experience Him in this way and completely let go of all of his baggage. The drugs and alcohol seemed like ridiculous shortcuts when compared to the wonder of Jesus. Jesus met him and wiped away the drunken nights, the lines of cocaine and the one night stands. It was in an instant the voids, one right after the other, were filled. He opened his heart and let "Velma" along with a lot of other binding identities free to be melted by the light of Jesus.

   This began a new chapter of a journey that had just begun. Now our leading guy let go of "her". This idea that he was to fulfill the role of a female and everything that came with it. He let the drugs go. He let the alcohol go. He let "Her" Go. Now he felt a freedom but this was only the beginning. The next chapter of this story is just another piece to his story.


  1. Awesome testimony! It is wonderful how this True love with Jesus has given you the courage to share your story & journey to freedom. Ephesians 3:20 is an accurate description of what you've received when given your all. May your story reach many who are secretly hurting & sincerely searching. Blessings!


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